Windsurfing Nation


A Christmas Story (Sea of Love)

It was raining again. The water had begun to get icy cold and I suspected it would be freezing over soon, so I went in search of clams. I blindly stuck one foot into my harvest-yellow suit, repeated it with the other, then moved onto the exciting bit; the arms. I zipped it up with a giant rusty tab and reached for my helmet. Closing the antique metal window over my face and attaching the air hose to my tank, I went into the decompression chamber. I always took gasping breath as the water rose above my shoulders as I was still a land-walker at heart.

I took a slow, deliberate step outside once the hatch opened with a squeaky resistance.
“Morning, Mrs. Bonneur.” I said, waving, as she couldn’t hear me regardless. I could see her lips move in response and she waved back before bending back over to continue toiling away on her algae garden. “I’m afraid your plants might not survive the winter, Mrs. Bonneur. Lucy’s coral always wilted in the cold.” I said through a pensive demeanor, well-aware I was talking to myself.

I kept going at my painfully slow gate, not stopping to play fetch with Mr. Goodwill’s pet hermit crab. Arriving finally at Al’s oyster farm, I stepped inside his anti-chamber and swayed to the calming waiting music. When the port swung open, I walked in and greeted Al.
“What can I do for ya?” He asked, his rosy cheeks jiggling as he bounced on his soles.
“I thought I oughta stock up before the water freezes.”
“Leavin’ it a bit late, arntcha Jim?”
“I suppose.”
“How many will ya be needin’?”
“Oh, I dunno. Not too many, since it’s just me.”
“That’s right, that’s right…” He trailed off, touching his chin and staring at the ceiling of his shop for a moment, “Terrible business, that. She was a nice lady, she was. Gosh, I guess it’s almost been…”
“May as well give me 10 kilos, Al.”
“Good sir, good. We’ll get those delivered to you. How will you be paying?”
“Oh, let’s see… How about I give you a compliment every time I see you?”
“That would be most superb sir, superb. That old Miss Rothchild tried to pay me with those little pieces of paper last week, she did. Can you believe some people? Dunno what she thinks I’m going to do with those.”
I wasn’t listening. The words ‘terrible business’ knocked around in my head.
“Then Mr. York offered me a backrub just last week,” He continued. “of course I’m too kind to say no but I’d just as rather not receive it at all and get something more practical like a friendly phone call or-“
“What’s that on your head, Al?” I cut in, oblivious to what he was saying.
“Huh? Oh, what? This? This, Phil gave me this for a feed, he did, what’d he call it…A…”
“Santa hat?”
“Aye, that’s the one. I didn’t know you and Phil were close.”
“Thanks Al.”
“Oh, uh, thanks Tim. I’ll get one of the boys to drop those clams off tomorrow.”
I stood in the anti-chamber, gasping for my breath and thinking about Lucy and Christmas.

I riffled through the old boxes I kept in the back room until I found the picture. It was of Lucy and I, standing in our newly-purchased suits in front of our new house; an exact replica of our home in New Jersey, except with the appendix in front. We both looked young, our faces glowing; we were laughing at each other’s ridiculous Santa hats and enjoying our infinite mortality.

I cooked myself some left-over crab from the night before and went to the rift. Clutching my harpoon gun tightly in my gloved hand, I looked around nervously. The rift was usually off-limits for the townsfolk, but that had nothing to do with enforcement and everything to do with not getting killed. Massive bubbles rose from the cavernous fault line and great groans came from underneath. I didn’t stay.

I did my best to figure out what day it was. From what I could see from the rotations of the hazy sun in the crystallized air, it was the end of December, I guessed around the 23rd. An old almanac I had been using to level a sofa confirmed it. The next day I got prepared; I bought new harpoons, wrote a letter in the case that I did not return and traded Al his hat for a photo of a tree which flabbergasted him.

I dreamt vividly on Christmas Eve. Memories perforated my imagination. We stood before the rift, holding hands and admiring the schools of fish that swam by, their scales flowing red and green. “Merry Christmas” I breathed as morning broke, hoping she could read my lips. She smiled; of course she did. I slowly sunk to one knee and withdrew a small red velvet box. I opened it as an oyster would to reveal its pearl. Inside, enclosed in a tiny plastic bubble, was her mother’s wedding ring. She was instantly reduced to tears, threatening to drown herself inside her suit. Memories of our parents crashed upon us; scenes of pandemonium, scenes of necessary abandonment and destroyed families. She reached out to it, not believing it was real. She hugged me and wept. We stood there, on Christmas Day as snow fell onto the surface above us and a single tentacle rose behind her.

I awoke suddenly in a sweat. It was night outside, so I left. I arrived at the crevasse with harpoons and a propensity for revenge. The scene hit me there; the tentacle prying her from my arms, wrapping around her doll-like figure and crushing her soft frame. I ran at it, swiping and grabbing, connecting with the great beast’s eye, but it threw me off before sinking to the depths below with my beloved. I stood there; waiting, waiting for it to return as tears burned my face. I stayed until my oxygen was essentially gone and I had no choice but to leave. There I stood again, twenty uncelebrated Christmases later, wearing the ridiculous red hat. Just like that night, a tentacle rose from the black hell below.

The beast was enormous, its tentacles extended forever in every direction. Its eyes peered over the edge; one bore a scar through its retina, its milky white colouring suggested I had stolen his eyesight like he stole my betrothed. A moment’s calm fell over us as I stared into its massive dead eye that dwarfed me easily. I quickly reached for my gun as its infinite tentacles flew at me. I dove to my right and fired a bolt into his bulbous forehead. His many limbs thrashed furiously, breaking entire chunks of the shelf off into the abyss. I rolled about frantically, trying to avoid the fatal blows from his tree-sized appendages. The harpoon seemed to be of no serious consequence to him, as he soon discovered and furthered his attempts to abolish me. I soon became exhausted from his cat-and-mouse game, stopping for a quarter of a second to breathe deeply from my tank. One of his stray arms caught me by the tight. Delighted by its own success, he lifted me like a fisherman would display his best catch. I readied another harpoon as I swayed upside down and prayed for a true shot. I closed my eyes and squeezed the trigger. The business-end connected squarely with his working eye and I was released, falling slowly to the ground. The blinded beast retracted his satellites and withdrew to stumble about in the darkness. I rose slowly, testing for any injuries. I turned back to return home when I noticed something from the corner of my eye. I reached into the sand and picked up the plastic-encased ring. It was identical to the day I lost my one true love to the sea.
“Merry Christmas”



The Bridge to Nowhere
December 10, 2008, 1:59 am
Filed under: Pirate Love Ballads | Tags:

I stand here, lonely and unloved. I am so thoroughly implanted in the country I love, yet so imperfect and unfinished. The Alaskan winds blow lightly on my unsightly and cantankerous body. My edges are rough and unfinished; I become a cliff at my farthest peak. O Greek God of scandal and forgotten affection; I am the Bridge to Nowhere.
My masters have all gone away to do the dance that they do every four years; they bicker and they whine, they kiss hands and shake babies. When they finally do come home, I’m left sitting in the corner of their room, barely spoken of or looked at. Soon they’ll find something new; a new object of gluttonous affection to lather with public money and parade in front of the starving masses, as they had with me. Now, my rocky exterior is a poster child of unbridled hatred that unites mobs and Joe-Six-Packs everywhere. How I wish that just one couple would teeter along my fringes, one lamp post would flicker on my head, one car would careen drunkenly off my cheek.  My mother, sweet aunt of purity and hockey moms has left me alone, not even giving me so much as to allow me to reach my little destination. My father, O bless’d prince of unwavering principles has gone to jail. He sits with a man named Rocko and forgets my contours as he spends romantic nights with those crooks and liars.
Great grandfathers; where are you now? I miss my long-nose freak and my monotonous man! Come back, come back, because we all know you were wrong and you were bad, what are we supposed to do now?



Plastic Soup
December 10, 2008, 1:54 am
Filed under: Pirate Love Ballads | Tags: , , ,

All the bankers rise from their shoulder-deep graves, smoking their cigarettes
Letting every particle of every drop of smoke cling to their bodies and their newly-installed
Dirt from centuries of demolished buildings and abandoned bodies
Of every lover who couldn’t say goodbye
To the corpses and tombstones they fell in love with
The nympho-necropheliacs who came out only at night, chasing ambulances and hearses
Who enjoyed the feeling of concrete ripping the rubber from the souls of their shoes
And worried about tuition and rent and gas prices
Who associated with religious fanatics on a personal level
Who went to church every Sunday to sit in awe and repentance
Of their filthy habit of being happy and content and happy and happy
Their acidic holy water was ushered into vials
So they could drink it graveside
As a replacement for empty tears and as lubricant
Only to have it all funneled to the giant swamp-like wading pool
For children and their ailing comrades
Trumpeting cures and regenerated limbs
Thanks to the larger saucer of contaminated salt and water
Home to all the halved turtles and loveless drifters
Who can’t find their way home again
Having eaten all their maps and navigators
In a moment of sea-sick crazy
Brought on by broken marriages and a forgotten legacy
As they bump in the plastic soup
The wrenching, growing neutron of anaerobic civilization
Floating with impudence in the human cesspool.



HOLY SHIT, A BIG FUCKING BEAR!
December 10, 2008, 1:52 am
Filed under: Pirate Love Ballads | Tags: , , , , , ,

My baby didn’t want any of this. There it stood before us; a goliath of shit-your-pants fear. I was not prepared for this! I was raised on TV! No amount of flickering, above-the-shoulders people compared to this bear. I was never scared of the Discovery Channel. I don’t think I like this.

Her, she! Oh my better half was better off being incomplete. She was a Prisoner of War and this did not compare. No sir, this was far worse. This was dire. Her face was painted in shock and the paint was still wet. Her face twitched and dropped; her facial muscles tightened and relaxed. Was she having a stroke? “Honey?” I said. Big mistake! Winnie-the-fucking-Pooh lit up like a Roman Candle. He was going to rip us apart until he found his honey. His unwarranted aggression would dissolve us like an atom bomb. Good god, his hands are like dinner plates and he has no life insurance! What kind of man was he? Not one at all; he had nothing to live for; he was a complete bezerker.

My legs jittered; they were possessed with fear and the need to swing themselves back and forth very quickly. This furry beast should be fighting on the shores of Normandy or be made into a rug, not threatening us witless campers!

His teeth were barred; they shone like yellow diamonds, just ready to be soaked in blood. His beady eyes were maniacal. They spoke to me like those of a drunkard I once knew; he was ready for ANYTHING. Like a lumbering boozebag, he wanted nothing more than to roam through the downtown streets at night and reclaim them as his own. He wanted to vicerate anybody in his way, and it was one hell of a deterrent, too. He had a mean streak as long as his bar tab, or about the length of this bear’s arms. He’d do it, too, the drunk, but he’s a humanist. What a curse! I prayed and hoped that the bear was one too.

I did not want to be the next vacationer inside this bear’s stomach. Already inside was a plethora of picnic enthusiasts, boyscouts, ships, small animals and parasites. That is no place for an organ donor and his wife! Good God, strike this heathen down!

But wait, why should we both die in vain? There’s simply no need! I must do what is right and save myself! She will understand; I’m much more successful. I turn to my sugar-pie to explain the situation to find that she has disappeared.

By God, how could this be? My one true love; a coward in the face of fear! Great bear, just devour me now, for I am truly unloved. Sky above and hell below; I do not want to live in on earth where I am discarded like the butt of a cigarette. Just eat me now!

Ah, but then there’s that book I was reading that was quite good, and I’d rather like to finish it. I’d also like to see the entire Godfather trilogy. Maybe I should carry on, if only long enough to finish up a few things.

In the face of this towering column, what is a good man to do?

He stared at me with those eyes. Why hasn’t it eaten me up? By now, I expected his stainless-steel claws to be poking around in my small intestine. I expected his cutting edge teeth to be gnawing into my cerebellum. For Christsake, I’d expected his children to be feasting on my spinal cord while the mother chased my poor wife and understood her insides to be a buffet. Come on, you great oaf! Some of us have places to be, and I know you must have some homeless people to chew on! This is simply anti-climactic! I’ve had it up to here!

I poked him in the chest

Then…then…nothing.

“Honey, leave the stuffed bear alone.”



You Are What You Eat
December 10, 2008, 1:48 am
Filed under: Pirate Love Ballads | Tags: , , , , , ,

I couldn’t help but smile at her eerie glow from the streetlight above.

“It’s the carrots.” She said without showing a tooth.

“Sure it is.” I replied.

She seemed to think that everything she was could be attributed to her diet. You are what you eat she’d tell me constantly. It wasn’t a nuisance, just an odd distraction from her beauty.

“You look nice tonight.” I’d say.

“It’s the pears I’ve been eating, they really help.” She’d reply.

It’s not even like she’d know, she’s not a dietitian; she’s a painter. Hell, she’s not even a great cook.

“What do you want for dinner?” She’d ask me nightly.

“Take-out?” I’d always try.

“No chance in hell! Full of MSG. I’ll cook a stir-fry.”

The stir-fry was her cross, and she, the savior of the Jews’ and the overweight, was forever nailed to the plate of vegetables and rice.

Her eyes aimed to the heavens above, “What do you want to do tonight?” She asked the streetlight flicking above her.

“Watch you be beautiful.” I replied, dreamily yet in all honesty.

“Something we can both do.”

”Should I get you a mirror?”

We ended up seeing a movie. Some train out of Hollywood that went off the tracks and ended up being a unintentional documentary on how culturally lost we are as a society.

“I liked it.” She offered.

“You like everything.” I countered.

“Why can’t you?”

She had a tendency to hang life over me with a string.

“Isn’t life great?” She’d say, setting the trap.

“Not particularly.” I’d say, half-heartedly. I could barely muster the energy to be pessimistic.

“Maybe that’s just because you’re not trying hard enough.”

No matter how hard I tried, how many movies I liked or how many greens I ate, I still wasn’t trying hard enough. She couldn’t accept my pessimism as genuine distrust for civilization.

“But people are so nice!” She’d cry.

“Tell that to the man stealing your purse.” I snorted. She never got that purse back.

Pessimism is genetic. My father was a writer, and his father before him was one as well. Somewhere along the line there was a defect, as my great-grandfather happened to be a clown. Life is funny like that. Not funny like a clown, funny like knowing that annually, hippopotami tend to kill more people than lions.

“Ohh, don’t you just love clowns!” She exclaimed, pointing at a street busker.

“My great-grandfather was a clown, and my great-uncle died because his dad couldn’t afford food.” I said, my eyes trying to melt the pavement beneath my feet.

It’s not like we weren’t in love. If I believed in true love, I’m sure we would have had that. Our relationship was like so: she is a single, positively charged Hydrogen ion, whereas I am two negatively charged Oxygen ions, we combined to neutralize each other and create harmless water.

“Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.” I said to her.

“You know I don’t like Iron Maiden.” She said with a frown

I sighed like Boreas, the Greek god of the northern wind, blowing a Persian ship to the great beyond. She frowned like a Teletubby paying alimony.

Nightly, she would return to her apartment at 7pm sharp to watch television. This was fine by me, because I usually wanted to be home to watch the news. It took me months to discover what show was so dreadfully important to her. Sitting on her lopsided sofa, we began to watch Jeopardy. Pleasantly surprised, I concluded that I might not have been giving her enough credit.

“Oopsie daisy! Wrong channel.” She exploded, snatching the remote and slamming her tiny fingers onto the buttons.

When she finally got to the right channel, I found myself wishing I were nose-deep in sulfuric acid.

“Big Brother?” I said in a disbelieving undertone.

“Oh it’s my favorite show!” She said in a clueless overtone.

Big Brother is my least favorite television show.

“How can you watch this?” I said, eyebrows hidden under my hair.

“Easily!” She chirped, fingernails hidden between her teeth. “It’s so exciting!”

An hour later, I was asleep and she was crying. I woke up with a start, expecting to see a bloody butcher knife in my right hand, and Julie Chan’s severed head in the left.

“What?! What is it?” I shouted, drool hanging limply on my lip.

“Rob got voted off!” She said through sobs.

I went back to sleep.

She was beautiful, I cannot tell a lie. I sometimes wondered if that fact alone was all that held us together after a long night of playing Monopoly Jr. and watching The Price Is Right re-runs. I enjoyed my time with her, although it generally equated to the warm fuzzy feeling that your stomach explains to your brain after telling some kid a joke and ruffling their hair.

On the other side of the wooden coin; she offers a sort of uncorrupted serenity that intelligent people cannot offer. How can you be happy knowing that there’s no reason to be?

“There’s not reason not to be happy!” She giggled. She was in a bubbly mood that night.

The next night; “There’s no reason not to be happy; these avocados are to die for!” She was in a you are what you eat mood that night.

And the next; “There’s no reason not to be happy; there are so many good movies out this week!” She was in a I like it mood that night.

A week later; “There’s no reason not to be happy; that man just gave 20 to charity!” She was in a people are so nice mood that night.

The next month; “There’s no reason not to be happy; Chelsea got voted off!” She was in a Big Brother mood that night.

The next year, it was I that was happy; “There’s no reason not to be happy; you’re here.” I was in a her mood that night.”